Blah

Blah

I feel so blah. Some days I don’t want to talk on the phone. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to pay any bills. I don’t want to clean. I don’t care if the sink is full of dishes. I don’t care if the bed isn’t made. I don’t care if I wait until I have NO clean underwear before doing laundry. I don’t care if I splurge on a weeknight eat-out. I don’t care if the trash isn’t taken out. I feel so blah

I look outside and it’s miserable, rainy, cold, wind blowing. It makes you want to curl up inside with a big warm blanket. I wake up and look outside and now it’s beautiful. The sun is shining and bright. People are outside going about their day. Things are happening, so many things are going on- but then I feel completely and utterly lazy and I just want to sit outside in the sun and DO NOTHING. I’m usually a morning person, but some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to stay curled up in the comfy protective position that I’ve created through the night.

Then I think of the good things. I remember what I’ve accomplished. I remember the hard work to get there, the midnight study sessions, the all night papers, the lack of regular sleeping habits, teacher criticism and inspiration. I think of my supportive family, immediate family, extended family, ancestral family. I think of memories with my friends. I think of strangers that I may have influenced. I think of strangers I may have ticked off. I think of our wedding, all the planning that was involved, the dress, the flowers, the people, the vows, and most of all the day. I wish I could do it all again.

I think of what I still want to achieve. I think of continuing to turn our house into a home. I think of becoming enough of an expert in gardening to manage flowers in my backyard. I think of Thanksgiving dinners, family cookouts…. I imagine a little girl with her dad’s eyes and mom’s complexion. I wonder if I’d ever be able to live abroad one day without getting homesick.

I feel, I want, I remember, I think, I wonder.